Topsail

The sweet aroma wafting in the air
Is of cedar, salt water, and seaweed
The memory of a tender sunsetting breeze
Traveling along a car with windows down
Procure remnants along my skin
A small blaze flickers delicately within a glass
Melting scented wax gradually into a contained puddle
After the strike of a match
The wick igniting without lessening the fire shared
Releasing a gentle washing of the waves
And the cries of the seagulls
Soaring over aged planked piers
Saturating my room
My feet miss the feel of walking barefoot along the hard sandy shore
Leaving shallow footprints temporarily behind
Evidence of my presence and of my life
During the autumn season when the ocean became unbearably cold
Lingering in the vastness of nature
Appreciating the endless horizon of sea and sky
I can almost taste the sunshine and salt on my lips
Heat warming the crown of my raven colored hair
Light reflecting on glistening waters too brightly for my eyes
How wonderful it is to be the ocean
Able to greet both the sun and the moon
Before getting too lost in yearning
I breath in deeply once more and blow away the pain
A tiny trail of smoke replace what was once a flame.


© AyalaRain

Mine

I want you to be mine
But that can’t be until I’m yours
And I’ve never been one to be tamed
I’ve always been wild and free without course
Without discipline to remain still
Constantly swaying with invisible rhythms
How desperately I want to be kept
So dearly close to you like how heaven
Is bright with light and love and sky having met
Blending perfectly together in the middle
So endlessly unfurling the greatest sights
To see the concept of genuine happiness manifest
It is not hollow and fleeting
But wholesome and completing
Those stray ends of longing
To no longer be frayed
The ignited passion’s blaze singes to seal
This unquestionable belonging I crave
Belonging to your completion
As you are without a doubt the entity
I need to be completely whole again
I need you to be completely free.


© AyalaRain

Flutterby

There are sensations I’m obsessed with
Addicted to
Because they make me feel
Like it’s worth staying alive for
And they are all such simply notions
Of affection
Validation
Evidence that I am really still here
That I am really truly loved

The tiny gentle kiss
For the cutest face of my innocent children
The eskimo kisses
My lashes tickling their cheek
Theirs brushing lightly against my face as they fall asleep.
Their little embraces that fill my whole heart
And their ineligible words of love and appreciation
That only I can decipher
Feeling the softness of them as I stroke their hair

A friend’s compassionate words
Listening to me
Sitting in the presence of another
Just so I wouldnt be alone
Company on a telephone
Sharing interests and passions that grow
Belief that I’m a good human
Sacrificing to be there for me when I am weak
Just as they have confidence in me to be there for them too
Loyalty despite animosity

A lover knowing their way into my mind
Just as well as they know the ways of my body
Igniting a flame of inflicting intimacy
In both rough and gentle ways
Feeling my spirit is entangling into something wonderful
Allowing a secret side of me to swim free
Into the depths of their ambition of silencing my mind
And replacing my thoughts of only what is present
Filling aspects of me in a way only they can
Feeling like I can safely fall deeper
Even though I will hurt inevitably, but not caring
Because their prescence now is all I need to feel free
Even for just a moment

These levels of affection and intimacy
Allows me to believe in love
Even while I’m hurting constantly
These moments are when my soul can breathe
These moments are the purest high for me
I’m addicted these experiences of love
And what’s most wonderful is that
They are free of toxicity
And I finally feel I deserve all three
Those moments belong to me
They aren’t mistakes and are meant intentionally for me

 

©AyalaRain

“I talk to shooting stars but they always get it wrong. . .”

It’s a blessing and curse to feel so deeply
My senses simply more intensified
Than most people who say they love me
More than those who care I’m alive
I wish I could find some stability
Some zone of dwelling without the crazy
Maybe if I could my brain wouldn’t be foggy
Maybe then I could stop my constant want to die
Most days I can push past these demons who haunt me
Most days I smile and enjoy the sunlight
But there are days I create rivers of tears
Some days I’m not allowed to rage only cry
I fight the habits I practiced before
Handful of pills, a subtle sharp knife
I’ve lingered over rooftops of tall tall buildings
Lingered over bridges that hovered over dark water reflecting winter skies
I have unhealthy strange obsessions
Of things that bring me those intense joys
I live within these delusions
I don’t know what’s real, I don’t know what to live for
I drown those who love me in my woes and tears
Whenever my spirit dims significantly from bright
My mania won’t allow me to accept love for what it is
My reality is so opposite from everyone else’s eyes
Sometimes I feel it’s utterly hopeless
The point of continuing, I don’t have a why
I wish I could know for certain
In my marrow that I matter and so does my life.

 

©AyalaRain

“Soulmate who wasnt meant to be”

I feel as though I am like the dandelion
Grown up from the weeds
Full of promises
If only I can get picked and blown into the wind
I can share my perspectives, my beliefs, and energy
Across a whole world

But instead, the ground that takes
To the spread of me and my wild dreams
Only produces more weeds
If I get plucked again
Blown again into the wind
I only multiple further this cycle of hopelessness

Round and innocent
You can see straight through a dandelion
It doesn’t hide what it is
The function and its purpose is clear
It proudly stands above it’s origin
Even if the aesthetic doesn’t match the promise

Innocence…that entity in me was stolen
Before I had the chance to really know what it was
I think if I did maybe I would have appreciated it
Treasured it and held onto it tightly
Maybe the lack of pureness and wholeness
Is why I’m just only full of promises
Only wishful thoughts constantly consuming my head
I wear the crown not of flowers
But of shame
I’m just the discarded stem
After a wish is blown into the air
Stiff and decaying
Damaged and now useless
Laying next to a pile of weeds
Because that’s what is now home to me
I belong here now since
I continued the cycle of damaging
And stealing the innocence of another
The irony was I thought my actions were of love
But I recognize now that my brokenness blinded me
It was selfish to drag them down to give me company

 

©AyalaRain

“I am enough, just not for you, and that’s okay”

For me it’s making love
For you it’s just a fuck
But that’s okay because
There is no question
About my love

Even if the energy is one sided sometimes
Even if it’s just me that truly cares
At least I can constantly prove to you
My loyalty and regards will always be there

I’m a dreamy type of girl
With my head always in the clouds
Always seeing the best in people
Hoping to one day feel reciprocity

And holding your hand keeps me
To not float too far from where I really stand
I feel grounded, but not tethered
Able to continue to grow
But with a solid foundation to always build upon

I like who I am when I am with you
You make me want to be everything I can and want to be
And it’s okay if it’s one sided
My infinity for you is an infinite and notwithstanding thing

I love you so much it hurts
But you know what they say about pain
I am convinced I’m getting only stronger
With each passing day.

 

©AyalaRain

The Want to Regain my Superpowers

I’m so delusioned to the reality of relationships
Kinships, friendships, romance
The reality of it coincides with the sentiments
Of the modern definitions of insanity
At the end of the day I romanticize
How things will go
How I will feel
How I might make them feel
But within a quick exchange of toneless words
I’m swept off my feet by disappointment’s embrace
The insecurities of being known for stupidity
Manifests into this reality
Only confirming that living my life alone
A hermit that struggles with agoraphobia
Is indeed the best solution for me
Finding security in remaining in my comfort zone
No way to disappoint anyone if I succeed in fading out
Closing my doors, reinforcing my walls
So that my loose lips and open mind
Will be quieted and contained silently again
Like how I started in my life
It was like my super power
No one ever knowing what I was thinking
My impulsions I’d exercise in solitude
My favorite pastime before adulthood
Was climbing up a tree discreetly
Or talking a nap in the tunnel part of a playground
Both shielded me from the sun and from being noticed
I got to choose invisibility
And I gave it up to take a chance for people I esteemed to see me
To give them a chance to know me
But even when I’m laid out bare
Dissected of my entrails available to be scoped through
Who I am is disregarded as their own preconceived notions about me
No matter how much I grow and evolve
I will always be seen as someone who has not changed
No matter how intense my over explanations are
I’ll still be misunderstood
No matter what I do and how much faith I have in some people
The proverbs remain confirmed
Going back and hoping for something different the next go around
Only makes me a fool
And quite frankly I need to stop embarrassing myself
I need to change once more to a way that serves me better
No matter how genuine I am
It doesn’t matter to people who will always see you in a negative light
I’m going to patch up my bleeding heart now
I deserve to preserve myself with some dignity
I deserve to be my own company so that I’m only hurt and disappointed
By no one else but me.

 

©AyalaRain

Shoulder Kisses

Sometimes I just can’t contain
This ball of emotion
That rolls and trembles
Within my core for you
I can’t help but impulsively
Kiss whatever part of you
Is nearest to me
Sometimes a kiss isn’t enough
And I want want to nibble you
Gently
I want to trace the dimensions
Of your face
Your physique is simply beautiful
To me
Nothing sounds as pleasant
As your heart beating
The comforting sounds
Of your quiet snore
Allowing me to feel
The trust you have in me
To sleep so soundly
I like knowing you’d let me kiss
Any and every part of you
With my soft and delicate lips
One day I’ll be brave enough
Confident enough
To trail my kisses
Dominantly all over you
But for now
I’m just a quiet storm
Brewing stronger inside
For now
I’ll kiss your shoulder
In passing during the daylight
In bed while the moon is bright
Soft and tender
Until I can’t take it anymore
And am finally ready
To give you a bite.

 
©AyalaRain

The Dreams

My subconscious has been screaming at me
About my future and what I need to be truly happy
The images of fulfillment and what I could be
Pushing my resolve to become something that feels heavy

I have no choice with the vivid answers that show up to me at night
To not follow this path that has been laid out solidly in my mind
I feel as though if I don’t I might as well let all my dreams die
Otherwise I have to live the life I want if I want to feel alive.

There is so much uncertainty but it’s difficult to argue with the imagery
It will be a lot of work and pain to get through but it will be to help and not harm me
I believe God placed things in my heart and brain for a purpose that is larger than me
What is the point in this life and my dreams if none of this was meant to be

I have no choice but to continue to believe
That who I am and who I’m meant to grow to be
Is absolutely neccessary for the life I’m going to lead
And along my way, following this dream
I will find whatever makes my heart happy

 
©AyalaRain

Maybe

A cascade of water drops

So completely down from the air.

The sound muting out any and all noise

Silencing any music.

The only sensation to be sure of

Is the washing rushing of water falling

Down drenching my body,

As my face lifts to the moon

My arms outstretched wide

Ready for a revival.

Maybe.

Ready to die.

I’ve experienced so much love and joy

Double that of the times I’ve felt pain.

I’d rather wash away now

Before the happiness again fades.

 

 

©AyalaRain