I lay here naked
Out of both comfort and exhaustion
Hoping maybe for some affection
But it doesn’t evolve into anything more
Than a few comforting strokes of your hand
Across my broad bare back.
I wish my self conciousness tells me the truth
About things changing for the better
About you being passionate with me
If I were skinny
If I were pretty
If I conformed to what you want out of me.
But it is just wishful thinking.
I wore the kind of make up that annucated my cupid’s bow,
Highlighted the subtle dimple on my chin,
Used those long lashes with winged eyeliner to make my eyes look bigger, deeper,
Darkened my brows to match,
Used concealer and foundation and bronzer to mask my imperfections.
They cover my blemishes and dark circles that I’ve accumulated from all the stress.
I rip all the hairs from my body that may compromise what you deem feminine.
I tried to dress up with what I got,
Form fitting outfits to display my curvature in all the right ways.
I wore my three pairs of earrings, my cuff, necklace, rings.
I’m not a ring person, but I wanted to ornate my fingers in a way you could deem them beautiful.
I know that what I write, the music I play, the art I create with these hands,
They aren’t appreciated by you unless they are used to clean, and cook, and care for the children, care for the house hold.
I washed my hair and used all the products I could to allow my natural curls to behave.
All of this…all this trying to be desirable to you.
Even lying next to you naked,
You hold not an ounce of desire for me.
I can’t help but feel so ugly.
It’s because of you I allowed my body to be destroyed by our beautiful children
It’s because of you I lost myself, lost the self worth I had tasted right before choosing you as my life mate.
Whether or not I am clothed, I feel exposed, vulnerable, unimportant, and undesirable.
Some say, it’s just sex,
But for me, I can’t comprehend how you can say you love me but hold no passion in your heart for me.
You are so passionate about your career, about the sports you play.
I’ve seen your passion arise in cheering on our children when they compete in their activities.
As much as I want our family to stay whole, sometimes I wish you’d let me go
Let me go so I could feel whole
But I know you won’t.
You said yourself you were too selfish to even think it. You’d rather keep me and let me suffer from continuous rejection from you than to let me go and find my own way again.
You tell me there is no one better for me than you, that you are the best I’ll ever receive.
You told me this life and everything in it is what I deserve, no better, no worse.
You always sleep the most sound when my heartbreaks silently in the night
You only get off when I’m at such a low that I drown in the hopelessness.
I wish you had compassion for me.
I’m sorry that I can’t be as pretty, or as skinny, or as accomplished as other women.
I really do try. But you forget I gave up me for our family. You had no problem for me to be the sacrifice for what we have now.
All I wanted was to feel loved. For someone who loved me enough to get married and share a lifetime with. For someone who loved me so much to have children and grandchildren with. For someone who could demonstrate the passions of love with.
I wanted just enough, but you see my wants as too much.