“I’m Your Heaven, I’m Your Hell”

Don’t misread the meekness of my smile

And the sway of my hips

The way I form your name in my mouth

And how I let it moan quietly and delicately through my lips

Into the air

 

Water crawls along your skin

When you reach for me, praying for tangibility

Eager for a resolution to your yearning

A baptism for your mistaken realizations and pipe dreams

With me

 

The heavy lidded glances I throw

At you from across the room

You may envision me to be the girl of your dreams

But baby, like a siren, I will lure you into

Your water encrusted tomb

 

You will never truly be delighted of me

The moment you think you have me you’ll be begging to be freed

From my insatiable appetites of flesh and adoration

You will be spent more than you are made up of and soon want vindication

Of the hell I bring

 

 

©AyalaRain

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Earmuffs

Don’t listen, don’t hear, tune out all of the noise

Inside your head, knocking on your door

For the openness you were asked for.

Close your eyes, channel in

Deafen all of your senses

Because their words don’t matter

No, their words don’t matter, no.

Your value is lost among their

Logic, they cannot fathom that you

Are worth more than the stars above the clouds

So go ahead and fly as high

As your wings will take you

Through the infinite spaces of the sky.

Just remember you are worthy

Of all of the glory

You accumulate from your sound

You are never truly bounded

By the narrow minded thinkers

The naysayers and nonbelievers

You are never truly bounded by their sound.

©AyalaRain

Lost

Even though I lost my way

I always have the resiliency

To find myself again

My timing is not quite impeccable

And I am pretty clumsy with fate

But now that self love has replaced

All my self hate

I can appreciate my journey

Not minding much who else has to wait

I choose not to live for anyone else anymore

At least not for the romantics I share

With other adults.

 

 

 

©AyalaRain

If I were a Smoker

If I were a smoker,
I’d crave a cigarette right now.
Always trembling in want
Before and during
But mostly with the aftershock
How your rhythm builds into a symphony for me
How your body is a masterpiece
All that soul devouring chemistry
It entices me
It sends electricity to the repressed areas in my brain
It unlocks the uninhibited natures of who I am
Who I really am
No one else could appreciate this color shade of me
But even with your stoic demeanor
I know you welcome all parts of me
Within this home
Within this moment
I am yours, even when I am not present
I know that you know this
Anything you want from me
I’d freely give you my symphony
I would say I’d give you all of me
But it’s not enough if our syncopation is off a beat
No, I’d give you my symphony
I’d release your repressed dreams
I can live out your fantasies
It is as easy as saying aloud to me
Please.
If I were a smoker,
I’d crave a cigarette now.

 

 

©AyalaRain

The Perfect Profile

He stands with the light illuminating him from behind
Accentuating his profile
Head to toe, perfection
Every curve illuminates to me
It’s not just the aesthetics
It’s his passion that draws me
The raw emotions
He expertly contains within his being
Discipline like no other
He is vulnerable but will always
Have a wall up with everyone
Even me.
I see him for all his worth and goodness
I see past his walls
How he hurts, and how he loves
Oh, how he loves
So unrepressantly.
I’ve been there before.
A few times when I was the object
Of his affection
Now he dwells within the higher caliber version of women
That will put me to shame.
But I can still see him
In all his glory
In all his perfection
Every contour of his face, his body, his sound.
I’ve committed to memory.
Even if I were to go blind
Simply by touch I’d know him with complete confidence.

 

 
©AyalaRain

Mother’s Day 2019

I thought of you the other day
The moment I kissed my sweet nephew’s face
His dark curly hair could not mistake
The lineage from where he came.
Dark is his skin, so flawless and smooth
Imagining for a moment he was you.
How beautiful you were in my dreams
How unfair all of this seems.
I feel as though I was punished
When you were taken from me
That I was undeserving of such a good thing.
Innocent you came and accompanied me
And when I learned of you
I loved you deeply and instantaneously.
And as instant my love for you solidified and grew
You stopped growing and left my womb.
I have carried your siblings since you came and left
But forever is this sorrow that fills the hole in my chest.
Because I only was allowed to dream of you
Never allowed to hold, kiss, and care for you
The way I wanted to be ready to do.

 

 

©AyalaRain

Swimming Pool

Suspended in the cold, dark, deep pool of something.

I don’t understand.

I am not familiar.

But I am paralyzed.

Not in fear,
But in hopelessness.

It is thick and holds me still

Keeps my head submerged in this liquid that is slowly sifting

Every ounce of will power I had saved in reservation to help me
Want to fight against forces like this.

Today I want to succumb
because no one will notice anyways.

So I let the liquid fill my lungs
and pull my body into its depth.

The irony was I only needed to stand up at the shallow end of the swimming pool.

 

 
©AyalaRain

Melancholy

I feel as though

I’m holding onto

The end of a rope.

There is nothing

Underneath my feet

To catch me.

All I have is my woe

That is all consuming

As the sky darkens

The Night who covers

Me letting go

And falling to the end

Of my suffering.

My hands are

Bright and raw

From failured grip

To keep me tethered

To hope.

I’m holding onto

The end of my rope.

How I wish instead

It were a noose

Around my neck

Breaking

All connections

To life

Instantly.

I had opted for

The road less traveled

Thought myself strong,

Mighty,

Yet I’m unable to hold onto

The end of my rope…

 

©AyalaRain

I tried…

I lay here naked

Out of both comfort and exhaustion

Hoping maybe for some affection

But it doesn’t evolve into anything more

Than a few comforting strokes of your hand

Across my broad bare back.

I wish my self conciousness tells me the truth

About things changing for the better

About you being passionate with me

If I were skinny

If I were pretty

If I conformed to what you want out of me.

But it is just wishful thinking.

I wore the kind of make up that annucated my cupid’s bow,

Highlighted the subtle dimple on my chin,

Used those long lashes with winged eyeliner to make my eyes look bigger, deeper,

Darkened my brows to match,

Used concealer and foundation and bronzer to mask my imperfections.

They cover my blemishes and dark circles that I’ve accumulated from all the stress.

I rip all the hairs from my body that may compromise what you deem feminine.

I tried to dress up with what I got,

Form fitting outfits to display my curvature in all the right ways.

I wore my three pairs of earrings, my cuff, necklace, rings.

I’m not a ring person, but I wanted to ornate my fingers in a way you could deem them beautiful.

I know that what I write, the music I play, the art I create with these hands,

They aren’t appreciated by you unless they are used to clean, and cook, and care for the children, care for the house hold.

I washed my hair and used all the products I could to allow my natural curls to behave.

All of this…all this trying to be desirable to you.

Even lying next to you naked,

You hold not an ounce of desire for me.

I can’t help but feel so ugly.

It’s because of you I allowed my body to be destroyed by our beautiful children

It’s because of you I lost myself, lost the self worth I had tasted right before choosing you as my life mate.

Whether or not I am clothed, I feel exposed, vulnerable, unimportant, and undesirable.

Some say, it’s just sex,

But for me, I can’t comprehend how you can say you love me but hold no passion in your heart for me.

You are so passionate about your career, about the sports you play.

I’ve seen your passion arise in cheering on our children when they compete in their activities.

As much as I want our family to stay whole, sometimes I wish you’d let me go

Let me go so I could feel whole

But I know you won’t.

You said yourself you were too selfish to even think it. You’d rather keep me and let me suffer from continuous rejection from you than to let me go and find my own way again.

You tell me there is no one better for me than you, that you are the best I’ll ever receive.

You told me this life and everything in it is what I deserve, no better, no worse.

You always sleep the most sound when my heartbreaks silently in the night

You only get off when I’m at such a low that I drown in the hopelessness.

I wish you had compassion for me.

I’m sorry that I can’t be as pretty, or as skinny, or as accomplished as other women.

I really do try. But you forget I gave up me for our family. You had no problem for me to be the sacrifice for what we have now.

All I wanted was to feel loved. For someone who loved me enough to get married and share a lifetime with. For someone who loved me so much to have children and grandchildren with. For someone who could demonstrate the passions of love with.

I wanted just enough, but you see my wants as too much.

 

©AyalaRain

Empheral Frothy Moments

The thought of you stirs the inhibited parts in me.

My cheeks get flushed

My body quivers

My sweet scent is quietly released

The tips of my fingers tingle in want

The yearning to be satisfied builds to an insurmountable peak.

My lips and tongue feel the void of any and every part of you being absent.

How I wish in moments like these I could just engulf you til you can’t help but let a moan slip through your teeth.

How I wish I could entice you to sit back and relax as you fall into submission to my domination.

How I wish I could experience your reaction and receptiveness to my seduction.

Do you have any wishes of me?

Do you ever yearn to become liberated inside of me?

How I wish you could let go of any suppression and use me to let every ounce of tension slowly dispel with every stroke.

How I wish it was me you pine for in hopes that my abilities can answer to all your needs.

Do you feel languished without me as I do you?

 

©AyalaRain