Letter

Do you ever think we’ll get the chance to revisit that random sliver in time
That rested between our adolescence and adulthood?
Where there wasn’t an us, yet there kind of was?
When we were nothing, but we were also so much?

Where I had no choice, but to declare my unconditional love for you outloud,
Because if I didn’t, I felt that the madness of it would cause me to
Combust
The time when life was already so hard and rough on me thus far
But it only became more so
More than I could barely survive
Survival mode was something I became accustom to trust?
Time when it made sense I only deserved shit
Yet you continued to provide kindness
I self loathed, but your prescence constantly made me back track on that
No matter how dead I felt on the daily, my light would come driving toward you?
Minutes, hours, days, I didn’t care.

Life gaining momentum toward complete adulthood
Seemed too bleak, so gray, so monotoned, so stuck
But to drive hours away to a solitude, to where you were, felt so freeing
The dosage of medicine I really had been needing
The anticipation, the vitamin D, the passion, the drive to keep going, I experienced with you
As much as I try looking elsewhere I can’t find
It kills me that I tried to because all that resulted was more foolish self sabatoging trauma
When all that time I could have asked for some of your time
So I could become inspired
Instead of wasting away and growing weak
I could have simply requested your company and just feed
Off everything I look up to you for
Mind, body, spirit, what more of a human could anyone ask for
I never cared that I placed you on a peddlestool
Because I knew deep in my core, from our first encounter
I wasn’t the girl made for you to look for
Out of my league you were from the get go
But never the less the time you give me I’m always so grateful
Because time is the most expensive currency an individual can give
When it is given, it can never be gained back
I cherish our time because that is when I feel my spirit most alive
When I hold back and stay within my inhibitions, even dormant, my spirit has breath again.

Do you ever think we’ll get the chance to revisit that random sliver in time
That rested between our adolescence and adulthood?
Where there wasn’t an us, yet there kind of was?
When we were nothing, but we were also so much?
Think we’ll get a chance to have another glass of wine
Yours a red dry, and mine the red dessert kind?

-February 24, 2016

 

©AyalaRain