My little corner in the world for me to express my delights and my woes.
A frustration sometimes builds
The longer distance seems to stand
It’s difficult to live in the present
When there are so many days that pass
Where I can’t hold your hand
Nor am I able to kiss your face
And see for myself
That everything is really okay.
All I have to wane this sensation
Is to plan for the next time
When I can linger in your prescence
Feel my inner peace manifest
With returning back home
To your familiarity and comfort.
©AyalaRain
If I were truly allergic to bull shit
My chest would tighten up,
My throat would get all itchy
Where reliefs comes when I gulp
To scratch my throat.
Sneezes would come in threes,
Loud and obnoxious,
So embarrassingly
Where my husband grimaces
And doesn’t bless me
Because the sound hurts his hearing,
And I’d feel compelled to apologize
Even though it’s involuntary.
My own ears would get so itchy,
Fluid would make me hard of hearing.
My voice would resonate and vibrate
So much stronger inside my head.
My eyes would be watery,
Get swollen and puffy
With undertones of red.
My face would hurt,
My cheeks and bones feeling fat
And so stuffy.
My tongue would feel heavy,
And warm, and itchy.
My body would ache from the inside
Out where externally
All my muscles feel sore
From just the task of laborsome breathing.
My head would feel tense,
And stuffed, both thick and airy.
There would be this fog because thinking
About anything else besides breathing
Is excessive and I wouldn’t have the luxury
Of energy
To disperse,
Because
I literally
Cannot
Breathe.
My body
Is suffocating.
If I were truly allergic to bullshit,
With confidence I’d know,
It would be the end of me
Within a few days to a week.
I wouldn’t last anymore.
©AyalaRain
“It is a travesty when two hearts, at different intervals of life, find each other. And although they would otherwise be perfect for each other, they can’t be together, for the timing isn’t right.”
Because I don’t know how to appreciate fully
All the aspects of all the versions of him
I don’t deserve a single drop of love from that man
Last night I was singing uninhibitedly
That beautiful face of his
He looked at me like he saw me
He taught me some things
He made me feel that love could be real
A long time ago
And last night, for that short moment I knew his love to be real
But morning has come, and she rips away
All the words that were shared under the safety of lady night
The ones he’d never dare say in the light of day
He says he can’t remember any of our moments
He doesn’t remember how he confirmed we could never be a forever
He has broken my heart before, but not like this
This time we shared secrets holding nothing back
But now I’m alone, on my own, to remember all of his opinion based facts
We no longer share, this information, is alone for me to bare
The truth didn’t truly set me free
It simply threw me down into a well of despair
He knows I am deeply and madly in love with him
And I now know that he is not
His regards for me stops right before the falling part of love
I feel as though if I looked more like a model
If my talents and skills were beyond this mediocre hell I am trapped in
If I were more like a lady, if I were smarter
Knew how to be quiet,
He’d maybe look at me on the daily
Like the way he did last night
When he took my hand for a dance
In my arms, allowing himself to be for a moment unrestraint
That resolved in allowing himself to be cathartic
I don’t deserve him, I know this
I am too broken and insane for most anyone anyway
I am not selfish, I would never take
Him away from a potentially much better suited mate
One who is truly beautiful, inside and out
One who can appreciate all that he’s about
Someone who can hold him whenever he cries
Someone to reassure him that his spirit could never die
He is too important for me, way too important
Even if he doesnt see me truly the way he did for that moment before morning
I see him as he is, what he was, and who he could be
All versions of he were better off without me
But last night he confided otherwise
However, he doesnt remember
Maybe the noise about me is right
Continually being a toxic entity
Maybe it’s best to stay away
Maybe he didn’t mean a single word he said
Maybe that’s why his memory fails him
He’s a wonderful actor, maybe he wanted to play a scene
We didn’t make love, but just held each other in the night
And I foolishly felt what I thought was love
Maybe all the noise about me is right
And I should do what’s best for him and just leave
Even if the voice inside me tells me otherwise
My Love, you don’t see me
You aren’t here with me
Nor did you want to be
And I’m so sorry I couldn’t be
Everything you wanted me to be
– January, 2018
©AyalaRain
Maybe I should have listened to the noise
And let him be
Instead of being so selfish
And never letting him free
Of me
I just had thought
All this time
That he appreciated my loyalty
Choosing not to leave
He means more than the world
Can offer me
And I just thought with me
He’d be set free
From his own limitations and doubts
That subtly
Eats away at his mind sometimes
Silently
I see him when he’s in pain and
When he’s happy
And I thought just maybe
He was happy because of me
But now doubt has crept in
Stifling me
And no matter how pure my intentions
He’s suffering because of me
So I’m told and even if
I don’t want to believe
What kind of friend am I
If I stay so selfishly
When he could be in the state
That he’s in all because of me
I’d rather rip my own heart out
And drown alone in my sorrow
To set him finally free
Of me
For him to again
Be happy.
– January 22, 2018
©AyalaRain
Don’t misread the meekness of my smile
And the sway of my hips
The way I form your name in my mouth
And how I let it moan quietly and delicately through my lips
Into the air
Water crawls along your skin
When you reach for me, praying for tangibility
Eager for a resolution to your yearning
A baptism for your mistaken realizations and pipe dreams
With me
The heavy lidded glances I throw
At you from across the room
You may envision me to be the girl of your dreams
But baby, like a siren, I will lure you into
Your water encrusted tomb
You will never truly be delighted of me
The moment you think you have me you’ll be begging to be freed
From my insatiable appetites of flesh and adoration
You will be spent more than you are made up of and soon want vindication
Of the hell I bring
©AyalaRain
Don’t listen, don’t hear, tune out all of the noise
Inside your head, knocking on your door
For the openness you were asked for.
Close your eyes, channel in
Deafen all of your senses
Because their words don’t matter
No, their words don’t matter, no.
Your value is lost among their
Logic, they cannot fathom that you
Are worth more than the stars above the clouds
So go ahead and fly as high
As your wings will take you
Through the infinite spaces of the sky.
Just remember you are worthy
Of all of the glory
You accumulate from your sound
You are never truly bounded
By the narrow minded thinkers
The naysayers and nonbelievers
You are never truly bounded by their sound.
©AyalaRain
Even though I lost my way
I always have the resiliency
To find myself again
My timing is not quite impeccable
And I am pretty clumsy with fate
But now that self love has replaced
All my self hate
I can appreciate my journey
Not minding much who else has to wait
I choose not to live for anyone else anymore
At least not for the romantics I share
With other adults.
©AyalaRain
If I were a smoker,
I’d crave a cigarette right now.
Always trembling in want
Before and during
But mostly with the aftershock
How your rhythm builds into a symphony for me
How your body is a masterpiece
All that soul devouring chemistry
It entices me
It sends electricity to the repressed areas in my brain
It unlocks the uninhibited natures of who I am
Who I really am
No one else could appreciate this color shade of me
But even with your stoic demeanor
I know you welcome all parts of me
Within this home
Within this moment
I am yours, even when I am not present
I know that you know this
Anything you want from me
I’d freely give you my symphony
I would say I’d give you all of me
But it’s not enough if our syncopation is off a beat
No, I’d give you my symphony
I’d release your repressed dreams
I can live out your fantasies
It is as easy as saying aloud to me
Please.
If I were a smoker,
I’d crave a cigarette now.
©AyalaRain
He stands with the light illuminating him from behind
Accentuating his profile
Head to toe, perfection
Every curve illuminates to me
It’s not just the aesthetics
It’s his passion that draws me
The raw emotions
He expertly contains within his being
Discipline like no other
He is vulnerable but will always
Have a wall up with everyone
Even me.
I see him for all his worth and goodness
I see past his walls
How he hurts, and how he loves
Oh, how he loves
So unrepressantly.
I’ve been there before.
A few times when I was the object
Of his affection
Now he dwells within the higher caliber version of women
That will put me to shame.
But I can still see him
In all his glory
In all his perfection
Every contour of his face, his body, his sound.
I’ve committed to memory.
Even if I were to go blind
Simply by touch I’d know him with complete confidence.
©AyalaRain
I thought of you the other day
The moment I kissed my sweet nephew’s face
His dark curly hair could not mistake
The lineage from where he came.
Dark is his skin, so flawless and smooth
Imagining for a moment he was you.
How beautiful you were in my dreams
How unfair all of this seems.
I feel as though I was punished
When you were taken from me
That I was undeserving of such a good thing.
Innocent you came and accompanied me
And when I learned of you
I loved you deeply and instantaneously.
And as instant my love for you solidified and grew
You stopped growing and left my womb.
I have carried your siblings since you came and left
But forever is this sorrow that fills the hole in my chest.
Because I only was allowed to dream of you
Never allowed to hold, kiss, and care for you
The way I wanted to be ready to do.
©AyalaRain
To Make Your Day Sweet 