Dandelion

I’ve wished for the one who’d hold my soul tenderly
For as long as I could remember
As a child I’d read about the greatest of friendships
And pray to God that one day he’d let me find them
To be understood and accepted by just standing near me
Their prescence intertwining with mine in belonging
For so long I felt there was a massive part of me missing
And when they came the inside of me began blooming
With inspiration and drive from the acceptance
So much hope was born from that bonding
I’ve always wanted to be loved so fully and completely
That now the opportunity stares me in the face I’m terrified
It scares me because of what can happen if it’s ripped away
After all the waiting and all the pain
I wish I could cradle the essence of all our goodness
When together I feel like I am everything and can do anything
They make me feel limitless.
I blew so many wishes for them to find me
And now that they have I blow wishes for them to never leave me again.

©AyalaRain

Please Just Break My Heart

I feel as though
When people say
Leave or stay
Things will be okay
And yet regardless
And neither here nor there
I can’t help shaking the feeling
It is inevitable I will fail
There are no promises I can make
Because I only speak
Only the ones I know I can keep
I can’t even promise to keep breathing
I can’t promise to keep my heart beating
I dont believe in this lifetime
That I will be permitted
To recieve what I want
And instead of a giant tease
Now that I’ve had a taste
Of what we could have been
What we could be
Please just break my heart
As gently as possible please
So this suffering can cease
So I can finally grieve everything
Of its finality properly.

©AyalaRain

The Fool

Baring ones soul
Is not for the faint of heart, no
They say fools rush in
Because idiotically they go
From shallow diving in to the deep
It’s too deep here for me
Maybe the heart can soothe
In the season for eternal sleep.

©AyalaRain

Hopeless

With such candor I can express the meaning of you in my life
And yet I feel my actions don’t even amount to a fraction of that meaning
Lack of action ails me the most because it can’t be helped
And yet I feel there’s an unsurmountable level of patience you give me
Although I waver between looking forward to a happily ever after
And the acceptance of the more than likely horrific heart shattering moment
I am hopeless in the fact there is no replacing you
There is no one else that is you who fits so imperfectly perfect with me
There has never been anyone kinder to me
No has ever been as honest and forthcoming
The scent of you and your essence grounds me to my sanity
Sometimes it’s infuriating that level of dependency
Majority of the time I feel gratitude that I can experience feeling grounded at all
The way your mind works and moves is so appealing and the sexiest attribute
The confidence you have in me when I lack every ounce
The way you care for my spirit, mind, and body
How you take note and notice the small things that are big to me
No one else is as alluring to me
I pray I can satisfy for as long as possible so you have a reason to stay with me
At least for a little bit longer
Because when you leave
You’ll be taking with you
Much of what makes me, me.

©AyalaRain

Calm

In this moment I do not feel like I am on survival mode
Because you have given me the opportunity to rest
I’ve allowed myself to dwell in a vulnerable state
And I am not on edge
Because your prescence ensured I remain safe
Humans can only do so much
But I believe your impression makes it so
That I feel secure enough to settle into calm
Your spirit allows me to feel safe in my own home
To be so carefully regarded and taken care of
Has given me solace beyond the current things
It has filled me with belief I deserve love, compassion, and peace
Gifts you never ceasingly give me.

©AyalaRain

The F Word

I’d like to simply screw away my negativity
Just ride someone til I collapse and can’t anymore
Until the pain is replaced with pleasure
Pleasure, such a foreign idea after being without for so long
Why does pleasure derive from feeling loved
Feeling wanted and craved
Why does that validation give me the high I need
To no longer want to die
The satisfaction of making him cum
Makes me feel powerful and decadent
I feel devine
Such a sexually satisfying moment
Is simply just an awakening to another form of spirituality
None but one enjoys to kiss me deeply
Like that kind of action is more intimidating and intimate
Than penetrating my body
I cherish being kissed passionately
And being ravaged with a spirit of the same frequency
Such an occurance is so rare
I will never get to have that experience again
Maybe I need to settle into my age and the reality of life
Accept the things I want weren’t meant for me
Allow things to be as they should be
And maybe on occassion God will bless me
With a dream or memory of one of His temples being worshiped
So thoroughly and vigorously

©AyalaRain

Evanesce

He doesn’t know what love is
He doesn’t pay attention nor validate
And over time from all the shrinking
Required of me for our love to work
Any ounce of self esteem and worth
Collected, ran away high and dry
There wasn’t space for it nor me
And now there’s barely a me
Left to be established as worthy

©AyalaRain

I Tried – Part 2

I hurt and I don’t know why
Everything in my life is fine
I give all of me and all my love
I know I am so very loved
And yet at night when dreams come
I scream and cry and cry and cry
Into mornings that turn to days
That turn to weeks and into months
Of despair, despite how content I am
Despite my genuine happiness
What a wasted endeavour
For all those who cared and invested in me
I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger
I tried my damnest to be.

©AyalaRain

Dopamine

I’m probably in over my head
But something within the core of me
Within my spirit deep
Is the longing beginning to suspend
From constant unkempt yearning
That I felt would last until my dying breath
It is calming and sinking into a new feeling
Of unquestionable belonging
I still yearn and long and crave and feen
And grow impatient easily
But now it’s a tame assured sensation
That I will be met with an unmistakable
Passion that merges and blends
So perfectly with mine
With my infinitity it blends into a completion
And now I feel as though
I will never know the feeling of wanting
Wanting of something that can never be
Something that I felt couldn’t be mine
Now I feel it is mine to cherish in this moment
For however long I’m allowed
I hope it will be infinite
But even if it does eventually depart from me
This contentment and peace that has found me
I will hold onto to the memories in a grasp so tight
Nothing moving forward could ever taint
The goodness and light that has blessed my existence and life.

©AyalaRain

My Only One

Of the trillions of stars
Multitudes of souls
Of all the connections
Woven randomly so
You are the one
Who my soul chose

You are the one
Who encourages me
To keep my heart beating
For my lungs to continue
Inhale and exhaling
For my ferocity and ambition
To never cease it’s churning

I don’t quite understand why
Why you are the one
Who makes me feel seen
Like something in me
About me might be worthy
That I’m not defined by my insanity
That I can be deserving
Of all the good things

What posseses you to remain
So deeply intertwined
In my spirit and in my brain
You are such sweet relief
Despite the constant excruciating pain
Such warmth and goodness
I want to dwell within forever
Your alluring and exquisite essence
I want all of you since forever
Forever could you be mine forever

©AyalaRain