My little corner in the world for me to express my delights and my woes.
Without intentional discourse
I tend to hurt the people
I love the most
Whether it is me being me
Things happening to me
The negative transference
No amount of remorse
Can fix the effect I have on others
I wanted to be a light
Not poison with my love
I tried with every ounce of might
But now my time here arrives
To expiration
The hell I’ve brought
I need to pay
I loved and loved and loved
With all I got
But if love was all we needed
If love was enough…
© AyalaRain
I think what is making my heart ache
Is that I recognized the borrowed happiness
I assumed was mine to possess
But I’m just a place holder
Until the real thing comes along
For everyone
I’m just someone that keeps the spot warm
To pass the time waiting
For the real deal.
I’ve always wanted to be the real deal
But I’m temporary
And I think I lost my way
Believing the happiness I felt was meant for me
For even just the season
Just a moment
Maybe it was meant for me
And I’m taking it hard the season is over now
The brief euphoric relief I recieved
Wasn’t meant to be for a forever
I’m glad for the taste of what things would have been
If I weren’t stuck being me
©AyalaRain
I’d like to thank the person
Who has allowed for me to feel human
That makes me feel seen
Makes me feel significant and real.
The appreciation I recieve
For just simply existing and being alive
Means so much more to me
Then they’ll ever know.
I can only hope they know
My existence wouldn’t be happening
If it weren’t for theirs.
I feel that I thrive the best
Whenever they are near and dear.
And for that,
I hope I’ll never let you down.
©AyalaRain
I know I’m not that kind of girl
That poets write about
That artists conjure imagery from
That musicians sing with their hearts to
There aren’t many qualities I have
To allow me to be a muse for anyone really
I’m also not a girl that gets kissed like in the movies
Not under a mistletoe
Or in the pouring rain
I’m not someone one wishes for
Not upon a star
Or daffodil petals
Not with an eyelash
Nor wish bone
And yet there is this yearning
Within the depth of me
That desires to grow into someone
Who is.
Maybe one day
Maybe one day someone will wish for me
And see me as everything they’d dreamed I’d be.
©AyalaRain
I really have this disdain for the holidays
I don’t feel jollines
And lack enthusiasm
I have to pretend to make everyone else comfortable
Fake happiness
Fake wanting to be here
Pretend breaking my back to make others happy
Is rewarding and not at all draining
I so desperately just want to be loved
To feel loved and seen and cared for
To feel like there’s purpose to my existence
For my happiness to matter
For my life to matter
So I love on everyone else extra hard
So they don’t know what’s it like to feel forgotten
So they won’t know what’s it like to be thrown away
I don’t want them to know what it’s like
To be disregarded and emotionally neglected
To be considered only as an after thought only after a confrontation
Simply initiated because I couldn’t hold it in any longer
I just love others as hard as I possibly can
Because I don’t want a single soul I care about
To ever know what it feels like
The feeling of wanting to die.
©AyalaRain
Words fail every time I’d like to verbalize my emotions
I lack the veracity in my vocabulary that I need to validate my heart
The best I can do is describe how he is everything
He is everything I both need and want
My emphasis in the actionability of loving him with my everything
Leads me to loving myself for once with all I got.
©AyalaRain
Perfect peace
God provides perfect peace
Have I fallen away
When I have only felt His presence remain
He’s been here this whole time
Providing for and protecting me
From most things…
Perfect peace
Why can’t I obtain
Something so simple
Why can’t my brain
Heal faster and me be better
I feel so afraid
And am so ashamed I’m not stronger
I have worked so hard to be smarter
So much work to get better
Be better
Do better
But here I am on the cusp
Of something so entirely beautiful
Finally convinced myself
How I’m worthy of this
Allowed myself to believe
That I too am something wonderful
And all that is threatened now.
I can lose it all now
I can lose my love now
If I am incapable of being stronger
If I succumb and don’t fight
Against something that has already stolen so much.
My love deserves my sanity
And it’s my own responsibility
To preserve all the goodness I’ve been blessed with
To preserve everything I’ve managed to build.
I am responsible
For obtaining His perfect peace
To take solace he will believe me
No matter what transpires
I have to have faith and trust in His perfect peace
I have to have faith and trust in his love for me.
Without it, I don’t know what becomes of me
Without him, I don’t know what God has planned of me.
I don’t think much of myself
But I think the world of him
I know I can’t fight for myself
So maybe if I fight for him
Maybe I can win.
©AyalaRain
I hope this happiness within me never fades
I hope I can forever hold onto your smile
I just want to spend each and every day
Knowing it’s a moment closer to a life
That can be shared tomorrow
I just want to be home with you for good
Encompassed every night in your arms
Wake up every day to your morning kiss
Be the one you never have to hide from
Be there for you in good times and hard
Be able to hear you sing my troubles away
With a voice that warms me like tea and honey
Despite the sadness and the pain
Despite the battered sense of self
That questions if I’m worthy
I hope you allow me to remain wrapped in your love
Because I promise you I can never stray
Regardless if you choose to keep me or leave
You are the only one I want
You are the only one who inspires my soul to sing
So I’ll take my chances to stay and wait
And pray you might come back home to me
I can only pray I too can make you happy
I will keep praying one day I can be worthy enough to where you’ll want to stay.
©AyalaRain
The darkness lifts
To meet the gleam of moonlight
The sweet aroma of my love
Orients me into awareness
The sea breeze grazes along my skin
My eyes remaining closed
I hear the water lap along the shore
Cradling me with its shushing
I’m missing his warmth
And my full moon charged spirit
Begins to ache from his absence
I need to feel him within my reach
I’ll get lost now without his hold
He uplifts and grounds me
He is so good for my soul
I don’t want to be here alone
I don’t want him to be alone
I want to hold him in my slumber
Protect him with all my might
I want to love him fiercely
And help him to believe
Everything will be alright
The lullaby from the sea
Allures me back to sleep
Back into the dream
Where he is happily smiling
Right at me.
©AyalaRain
No matter how much I scrub myself in the tub
The hours I take soaking my entire body
The number of showers I take on the daily
I can’t rid myself the filth stuck and branded on me
It’s embeded in my skin and in my spirit
It’s infected my mind to becoming chronically diseased
It’s made it impossible for me to ever deserve
Anyone good and willing to utterly and completely love me entirely.
©AyalaRain
To Make Your Day Sweet 