Lamentation

There was a future I envisioned
For as long as I can remember
And I suppose I foolishly held on
I held onto this mustard size seed of hope
Subconsciously all this time
My gosh how beautiful would they have been
How my heart would have swelled
Overwhelmingly that my dream from many moons
Finally has come true
My objective vision of happiness arriving into fruition
There isn’t grief in this vision
There is happiness in the feeling of belonging
My hand intertwined with my love’s
A mutality of contentment and fulfillment
Finding joy in the mundane day to day
Because we are spending it all together
The accumulation of moments into a lifetime together
I alone held onto such a vision
And as I grieve this possibility of being unable to become my reality
I will keep writing so they never disappear from me
So the onesided love in my heart can be preserved
So that maybe this old dream can live on elsewhere
Developing along the pages of worlds I can visit once in a while

Ⓒ AyalaRain

Fading

I experienced something genuine recently
Something where cringing is how I react normally
Because I don’t find myself as a person who is beautiful really.

My heart feels full and it’s swelling
Because the gesture of affection is so purely
Causing a dramatically healing shift within me.

I can’t say I see what they see in me
And their happiness being with or without me
Will always be my priority.

But knowing for a moment, in this moment
I do have someone who loves me dearly.
And somehow they recognize the good in me.

Somehow, even while I dwell feeling undesirable and disgusting,
Those self destructive feelings have been fading steadily
Because I now have someone who smiles whenever they see me.

©AyalaRain

Acceptance

Acceptance is such a slow process for me
Especially when I flawlessly create
These illusions in my mind
Of particular circumstances I believed
To be overly optimistic.

I’m a pretty plain girl
Who instead of facing the world
As a woman should do,
Strong, independent, focused, unapologetic,
I hit the days head strong
Always up in the clouds
Barely anything reliable to tether me.

Acceptance is hard when all you know
Is really not as it seems
And all that wishful thinking
Is not at all what it all really means

Living a life as a hopeless romantic
Is really just that
Hopeless.
I know I am loved
But gathering the energies
I desperately need to come to acceptance
That there is no one out there
Created for me
To love me at the capacity I need
To have acceptance of all of me
Of my hopes, goals, and dreams
Feels truly devastating.

I think it’s worse though
To not have encountered someone willing
For me to love them fully
For them to reveal themselves
In a completely raw form
Undeterred of shame and baring only trust
In my full ability to love every ounce
Even their flaws
All I require is honesty
Unrestraint openness and
Acceptance of my love.

But for me, I was not blessed for this
For this desire that burns
Through the entirety of my heart
My soul has met a few mates
My twin has been ablazed with its flame
Yet a third of my way into this life
And I’ve stepped on the line
That signifies the end of the road
The end of youth and hope
For having someone who glady
Would like to spend our days harmonizing
To the songs within each other’s souls.

I’ve drowned in my depression
From this grief and delayed realization
For longer than I have time and energy for
I need Acceptance to be steadfast
I need her to help me live a happy life
To help me to embrace
The ultimate solitude I face.

I gave it all my very best shot to figure it out
To figure out romance and intimacy
Learn the art of frienship and humanity
I need Acceptance to be there
As I learn to rely on being whole alone
To get comfortable in the discomfort
Of being a single entity
Forever misunderstood and mistaken
Taken for granted
With Acceptance there is no need
To fight anymore
When focusing to be whole alone
None of that nonsense matters.

I will cherish the connections I have made
Whatever form they take
And in replace of the yearning for more
There will be acceptance and gratitude
For being in that exact present place.

 

 

©AyalaRain