Tis the Season

I really have this disdain for the holidays
I don’t feel jollines
And lack enthusiasm
I have to pretend to make everyone else comfortable
Fake happiness
Fake wanting to be here
Pretend breaking my back to make others happy
Is rewarding and not at all draining
I so desperately just want to be loved
To feel loved and seen and cared for
To feel like there’s purpose to my existence
For my happiness to matter
For my life to matter
So I love on everyone else extra hard
So they don’t know what’s it like to feel forgotten
So they won’t know what’s it like to be thrown away
I don’t want them to know what it’s like
To be disregarded and emotionally neglected
To be considered only as an after thought only after a confrontation
Simply initiated because I couldn’t hold it in any longer
I just love others as hard as I possibly can
Because I don’t want a single soul I care about
To ever know what it feels like
The feeling of wanting to die.

©AyalaRain