“All for Us” Part 4: Freeze

“I hope one of you come back to remind me of who I was, when I go disappear into that good night.”

I cocoon myself in my grief and disappointment
Shutting out everyone who comes by
To simply continue breathing
Is such a laborious task to abide
I’m unable to bring myself
To be reactive or responsive
To anyone or anything
I feel the licking flames of fire
And the chilling burns of ice
But the paralysis bounding my body
Is too strong to break by choice
Everyone else is sleeping soundly
They can’t hear or feel my pleas
They don’t understand how I’m stuck
Unable to liberate myself to be free
They think I’m just lazy
Just a theatre kid drama queen
They don’t understand how my mind
Can imprison my entire body
If I move something devastating can happen
Succumbing to the paralysis is the safest bet
They can’t see how I’m screaming and sobbing inside
They can’t see how I’m irreparably broken
They thought I was going to sleep
When I said good night
They didn’t realize how my torment
Arises with the night.

© AyalaRain

Elation

There’s something about the feeling of elation
After being weighed down by circumstance
Trudging through the muddy, murky, messy mischief
That only depression knows how to play
Clawing your way back up and out of the crevice
Out of the clever darkness that wraps you so comfortably
So cozy in the cold numbing sensations that drain all your hope
When that first ray of warmth hits you, hitting a patch of skin
How it melts away the frostbitten fixtures of yourself
That feeling of happiness growing and rising unexpectedly
Makes the fighting of my own self worth it
I just have to remember this feeling
I have to bottle it up in my brain
To remember the beauty of now
To remember I can breathe still if I learn how to get out
To get outside of the grief and sorrow that succumbs me often
I need to remember the gentle stroke of my cheek by my mother
The whimsical kisses of my lover
How their gestures and affections make me giggle with glee
Genuine gladness in feeling cherished and free
I need to remember my children and their thriving
How they live to relish in freedom and showing me what they are and can be
There’s something about that feeling of elation.
It really is deeply freeing.

©AyalaRain

The F Word

I’d like to simply screw away my negativity
Just ride someone til I collapse and can’t anymore
Until the pain is replaced with pleasure
Pleasure, such a foreign idea after being without for so long
Why does pleasure derive from feeling loved
Feeling wanted and craved
Why does that validation give me the high I need
To no longer want to die
The satisfaction of making him cum
Makes me feel powerful and decadent
I feel devine
Such a sexually satisfying moment
Is simply just an awakening to another form of spirituality
None but one enjoys to kiss me deeply
Like that kind of action is more intimidating and intimate
Than penetrating my body
I cherish being kissed passionately
And being ravaged with a spirit of the same frequency
Such an occurance is so rare
I will never get to have that experience again
Maybe I need to settle into my age and the reality of life
Accept the things I want weren’t meant for me
Allow things to be as they should be
And maybe on occassion God will bless me
With a dream or memory of one of His temples being worshiped
So thoroughly and vigorously

©AyalaRain

I Tried – Part 2

I hurt and I don’t know why
Everything in my life is fine
I give all of me and all my love
I know I am so very loved
And yet at night when dreams come
I scream and cry and cry and cry
Into mornings that turn to days
That turn to weeks and into months
Of despair, despite how content I am
Despite my genuine happiness
What a wasted endeavour
For all those who cared and invested in me
I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger
I tried my damnest to be.

©AyalaRain

Tis the Season

I really have this disdain for the holidays
I don’t feel jollines
And lack enthusiasm
I have to pretend to make everyone else comfortable
Fake happiness
Fake wanting to be here
Pretend breaking my back to make others happy
Is rewarding and not at all draining
I so desperately just want to be loved
To feel loved and seen and cared for
To feel like there’s purpose to my existence
For my happiness to matter
For my life to matter
So I love on everyone else extra hard
So they don’t know what’s it like to feel forgotten
So they won’t know what’s it like to be thrown away
I don’t want them to know what it’s like
To be disregarded and emotionally neglected
To be considered only as an after thought only after a confrontation
Simply initiated because I couldn’t hold it in any longer
I just love others as hard as I possibly can
Because I don’t want a single soul I care about
To ever know what it feels like
The feeling of wanting to die.

©AyalaRain

Winning

You said me winning
Would make it a bad night for you.
I guess that’s why
Continuing something forced
Can no longer be.
I’ve been patient and understanding,
Making excuses for snails paced growth.
But I’ve dissipated so much
That now people who once esteemed me
Are recognizing a lack of value
In remaining in my corner
After expressing their undying loyal stakes
In my life.
Now I’m withering away,
The last bits of sanity I’ve got to cling to.
Only this time
It is evident no one will notice
When I’m finally gone.
But at least then you can be happy.
Because at that point,
At the expense of me,
You will have won.

©AyalaRain

Honey

I’m lost again
Floating in a suspension
Of sweet thick amber liquid
Sweet on my lips
Rough against my skin
I cannot breathe
But I also can.

I’m lost again
Watering my garden
Of thoughts lined up
Against a spectrum
Unfocused
But now salt
Douses and inflates them.

I’m lost again
Pain begins to feel like pleasure
Allows for tangible evidence
I’m alive although I wither
From the shards of cascading past
Colliding with the present
Attempting to make amends
But now there is no future.

Future.
Such a novel sentiment to hold
To have and to hold
Novel sentiments of the old
Believing no more
To have and to hold
It isn’t real
Not for me
Not for the lost
The fragmented
The defected
The disposable.

©AyalaRain

I can’t put pen to paper…

I can’t put pen to paper

The devastation I feel inside

I have no vice to channel out

The rage and despair

I can’t even really cry

I can’t put pen to paper

How neatly tucked away

How organized

How every thought and memory

Were on neat little shelves

Compartmentalized

I can’t put pen to paper

How someone I loved

And thought loved me

Took a baseball bat and terrorized

The neatly kept home

Inside my head

Trashed everything into chaos inside

I can’t put pen to paper

How no matter the strain

I cannot scream

I don’t even have a voice

Above a whisper

That can cathartically allow me

To find a release to resolve the pain

I can’t put pen to paper

How I can’t understand

I can’t comprehend a mother’s love

To feel like sand paper

Against raw skin

I can’t put pen to paper

How helplessly I find myself

On my hands and knees

Picking up the pieces

Reorganizing for hours, days, weeks

Trying to fix

All the refucked up pieces of me

I can’t put pen to paper

How after years

Reestablishing my worth

Over a decade of finding my value

Ages of fighting self destruction

Familiar demons are banging

At my front door.

I can’t put pen to paper

How they creep under my bed

And slither under the sheets

Embracing me as I sleep

And accompany me

As the morning rays

Gently caress the walls

Gently creep.

I can’t put pen to paper

About how lost I am again

My soul screams internally,

“There is nothing to be ashamed about!”

But now that rational is drowned

With the cacophony of the blamers again.

I can’t put pen to paper

The torment I feel

In some of the moments I am living

Feeling selfish in wanting to be truly freed

Finding death the only real beginning

To the remedy to all things

That have stolen my sanity.

©AyalaStull

Superman Tried to Save Me Once

He knocked on her front door, fearing the worst,

Replaying her tearful “I need you”

Over the phone,

Not anticipating the anguish in her voice

He feared being too late,

Her not opening the door to let him in

Knowing she shouldn’t have been left alone,

But relief came

When she did.

 

Only temporarily as he felt a warm liquid sensation

With the scent of metallic as he embraced her trembling body

With his thoughts ricocheting.

Walking into the light, her caramel skin was baring only crimson.

The light within her was nothing but a glimmer now

Her soul locked away within a prison.

“Why, why did you do this?” he asked barely audibly, visibly horrified,

As he grabbed her despondent face, his hands grasping both sides,

Wiping away the consistent stream of tears with his thumbs.

She stared into his eyes and whispered “I have no more will in me to keep going,

My story is meaningless, no one loves me, I am nothing.”

He welled up inside with heartbreak, and embraced her as tightly as he could

As she collapsed with bottomless despair

As she uncontrollably, uninhibitedly wailed.

 

He lifted her to her feet and carried her to her bed,

And quickly cleaned up the scene her demons created.

He took her arms and gently tended to her wounds

Another crack to his heart, because of all the times and all the calls

And all the tears, bawls, and falls

It had never gotten this bad,

She never has gotten this close to her tomb.

 

No humor he could produce, nor comfort he could provide

Had the ability to ward off her darkness lingering inside

From dragging her into such a deeper hole than before.

He distracts her mind,

Consoles her spirit,

And cradles her close

As she tires from this invisible battle

Enough to quietly fall asleep in his care.

He can protect her from her demons for a few more hours

Before the night turns into day.

He desperately prays

She will be better when she wakes.

He strokes her long raven hair with the purest affection

And to seal his love for her, he kisses her forehead for a moment

Before silently leaving to start his day.

 

He prayed,

He did everything he could to protect her and heal her spirit

But he knew her demons were even greater when she was awake.

They enticed her with the bottle method after he left

That habit he helped her overcome many years ago.

Those words she spoke to him the night before

Her demons whispered in repetition, convincing her to let go

Of rationality

Of reality

Of any muster seeds of hope

And succumb

To their destruction.

 

He couldn’t save her, only impede.

She had to want to save herself to be free.

 

 

©AyalaRain