Hopeless

With such candor I can express the meaning of you in my life
And yet I feel my actions don’t even amount to a fraction of that meaning
Lack of action ails me the most because it can’t be helped
And yet I feel there’s an unsurmountable level of patience you give me
Although I waver between looking forward to a happily ever after
And the acceptance of the more than likely horrific heart shattering moment
I am hopeless in the fact there is no replacing you
There is no one else that is you who fits so imperfectly perfect with me
There has never been anyone kinder to me
No has ever been as honest and forthcoming
The scent of you and your essence grounds me to my sanity
Sometimes it’s infuriating that level of dependency
Majority of the time I feel gratitude that I can experience feeling grounded at all
The way your mind works and moves is so appealing and the sexiest attribute
The confidence you have in me when I lack every ounce
The way you care for my spirit, mind, and body
How you take note and notice the small things that are big to me
No one else is as alluring to me
I pray I can satisfy for as long as possible so you have a reason to stay with me
At least for a little bit longer
Because when you leave
You’ll be taking with you
Much of what makes me, me.

©AyalaRain

Acceptance

Acceptance is such a slow process for me
Especially when I flawlessly create
These illusions in my mind
Of particular circumstances I believed
To be overly optimistic.

I’m a pretty plain girl
Who instead of facing the world
As a woman should do,
Strong, independent, focused, unapologetic,
I hit the days head strong
Always up in the clouds
Barely anything reliable to tether me.

Acceptance is hard when all you know
Is really not as it seems
And all that wishful thinking
Is not at all what it all really means

Living a life as a hopeless romantic
Is really just that
Hopeless.
I know I am loved
But gathering the energies
I desperately need to come to acceptance
That there is no one out there
Created for me
To love me at the capacity I need
To have acceptance of all of me
Of my hopes, goals, and dreams
Feels truly devastating.

I think it’s worse though
To not have encountered someone willing
For me to love them fully
For them to reveal themselves
In a completely raw form
Undeterred of shame and baring only trust
In my full ability to love every ounce
Even their flaws
All I require is honesty
Unrestraint openness and
Acceptance of my love.

But for me, I was not blessed for this
For this desire that burns
Through the entirety of my heart
My soul has met a few mates
My twin has been ablazed with its flame
Yet a third of my way into this life
And I’ve stepped on the line
That signifies the end of the road
The end of youth and hope
For having someone who glady
Would like to spend our days harmonizing
To the songs within each other’s souls.

I’ve drowned in my depression
From this grief and delayed realization
For longer than I have time and energy for
I need Acceptance to be steadfast
I need her to help me live a happy life
To help me to embrace
The ultimate solitude I face.

I gave it all my very best shot to figure it out
To figure out romance and intimacy
Learn the art of frienship and humanity
I need Acceptance to be there
As I learn to rely on being whole alone
To get comfortable in the discomfort
Of being a single entity
Forever misunderstood and mistaken
Taken for granted
With Acceptance there is no need
To fight anymore
When focusing to be whole alone
None of that nonsense matters.

I will cherish the connections I have made
Whatever form they take
And in replace of the yearning for more
There will be acceptance and gratitude
For being in that exact present place.

 

 

©AyalaRain