“All for Us” Part 4: Freeze

“I hope one of you come back to remind me of who I was, when I go disappear into that good night.”


I cocoon myself in my grief and disappointment
Shutting out everyone who comes by
To simply continue breathing
Is such a laborious task to abide
I’m unable to bring myself
To be reactive or responsive
To anyone or anything
I feel the licking flames of fire
And the chilling burns of ice
But the paralysis bounding my body
Is too strong to break by choice
Everyone else is sleeping soundly
They can’t hear or feel my pleas
They don’t understand how I’m stuck
Unable to liberate myself to be free
They think I’m just lazy
Just a theatre kid drama queen
They don’t understand how my mind
Can imprison my entire body
If I move something devastating can happen
Succumbing to the paralysis is the safest bet
They can’t see how I’m screaming and sobbing inside
They can’t see how I’m irreparably broken
They thought I was going to sleep
When I said good night
They didn’t realize how my torment
Arises with the night.


© AyalaRain




“All for Us” Part 2: Fight

“And I’ll do 25 to life, if it makes me a king, a star in your eyes.”

I carve into my skin
Delicate stinging reminders
Of the reality I’m in
As the crimson droplets flow
The blurry coat over my eyes
Shred into oblivion
The smell of metallic
The rolling warm feeling
Along my arms
Grounds my very being
Into stillness
Embracing the void within the dark
Soaking in all the serenity
Of feeling something anything
When every other emotion
Completely evades me
I want to feel wanted
Adored every single moment
So not a second of breath is wasted
Squandered into subjugation
Confinement within my depression
I want you to see me
To know everything about me
The good and the ugly
And still accept my beauty
And all of my crazy
Because I will suffer
Either way it can go
Without you I’m nothing
With you at least I can find meaning
Somewhere along our road
I just want you to see me
And recognize what I do for you
And find me special
And what I do for you special too
You mean so much to me
I don’t hold any merit without you
So please accept me fully
Never be tempted to ever let me go
If you do I’ll drown deeper
A sound lower than you know
Where you can’t save me
And you’ll risk forever being alone
Don’t leave me alone
Don’t choose to be alone.

© AyalaRain