Acceptance

Acceptance is such a slow process for me
Especially when I flawlessly create
These illusions in my mind
Of particular circumstances I believed
To be overly optimistic.

I’m a pretty plain girl
Who instead of facing the world
As a woman should do,
Strong, independent, focused, unapologetic,
I hit the days head strong
Always up in the clouds
Barely anything reliable to tether me.

Acceptance is hard when all you know
Is really not as it seems
And all that wishful thinking
Is not at all what it all really means

Living a life as a hopeless romantic
Is really just that
Hopeless.
I know I am loved
But gathering the energies
I desperately need to come to acceptance
That there is no one out there
Created for me
To love me at the capacity I need
To have acceptance of all of me
Of my hopes, goals, and dreams
Feels truly devastating.

I think it’s worse though
To not have encountered someone willing
For me to love them fully
For them to reveal themselves
In a completely raw form
Undeterred of shame and baring only trust
In my full ability to love every ounce
Even their flaws
All I require is honesty
Unrestraint openness and
Acceptance of my love.

But for me, I was not blessed for this
For this desire that burns
Through the entirety of my heart
My soul has met a few mates
My twin has been ablazed with its flame
Yet a third of my way into this life
And I’ve stepped on the line
That signifies the end of the road
The end of youth and hope
For having someone who glady
Would like to spend our days harmonizing
To the songs within each other’s souls.

I’ve drowned in my depression
From this grief and delayed realization
For longer than I have time and energy for
I need Acceptance to be steadfast
I need her to help me live a happy life
To help me to embrace
The ultimate solitude I face.

I gave it all my very best shot to figure it out
To figure out romance and intimacy
Learn the art of frienship and humanity
I need Acceptance to be there
As I learn to rely on being whole alone
To get comfortable in the discomfort
Of being a single entity
Forever misunderstood and mistaken
Taken for granted
With Acceptance there is no need
To fight anymore
When focusing to be whole alone
None of that nonsense matters.

I will cherish the connections I have made
Whatever form they take
And in replace of the yearning for more
There will be acceptance and gratitude
For being in that exact present place.

 

 

©AyalaRain